oscarwomyn

Tommorow I start the first day of my new job.
It is not a glamorous one but it is a job that means a lot to me.  It is the beginining of the rest of my life. I start as a teller and educate myself and get training for other positions. By this time next year, I won't be a teller. And I will have a position at the bank that pays me more than I ever imagined I could get.  
I am nervous cause I don't know what to expect. What I do know is what i expect of myself.  I need to lower my standards for myself cause they are VERY high right now.

I should be a script writer. I was watching my drug of choice.."Greys Anatomy"  and pretty much got the whole storyline right. Not that it takes brains to figure that stuff out.  Just follow the previous scripts and have some common sense. I had people telling me there were surprises in the show. No surprises but one for me.  The rest was as I expected. 
 
What I didn't expect was all the crying I did.  Over a t.v. show???  Actually, it wasn't really the show that had me crying.  It was my thoughts about loving another person...not including family.  I know that it is just a show but to get so sucked in to the unreality, to watch and feel the varying degrees of love and vulnerability of the characters had me thinking about how I show and don't show my love to the significant other in my life and how I love him but can't give him all of me. 
 
Life is just too short to not tell the people who mean something to me how I  feel.  Hell,  life is just too short to not be REAL in all aspects of my life.  Maybe trying to live this way is why some people find me abrassive or kind of crazy.   I lost a close friend a few years ago. I had many "if only" moments.  If only I had told him my concerns about his addictions, if only I had told him I was concerned about his depression, if only I had just told him what I was really feeling and thinking about stuff when it came to him. He killed himself.  I can't go back on any time before his suicide.  I don't feel bad anymore about everything I could have said and done differently with him.  What I do know is to live my life to its fullest and tell people how I feel...I do try to be somewhat gentle in my opinions most of the time. 

What it all comes down to tonight is that I will call my boyfriend, the love of my life, and tell him how much I love him, miss him, and what I want from this relationship. Take it or leave it.  Whatever the outcome, I will feel better for opening myself up to him and all my feelings.  If he were to die tomorrow while diving, I would like his last thoughts of me to be loving. I would want him to know without a shadow of a doubt how I feel about  him.

This thought goes to all those I love and consider important to me in my life. 

Namaste